†GorgeousUnderTheSkin†

Damn

Don’t post for a week and I lose a follower… People are demanding. O_O

Sick Dream

In my dreams it seems so real.

Things shake and tumble and break.

You were holding my hand,and I felt so safe.

But your grip grew tighter,Your voice angry.

Yelling at me things I do not understand.

“Its all your fault!” You scream over and over.

and all I can think is ‘what did I do that hurt you so bad?’

My eyes well up with tears from the pain in my hand.

I close my eyes and try to make things go silent.

A dream within a dream,but more like a nightmare,it only gets worse.

I fall into a place surrounded by black.

This place is filled with things that are not coming back.

I see their ghosts,howling in agony,while others simply do not matter.

They say the words that still echo in my mind, the words you etched in my head,that you said over and over again so many times.

“Its all your fault...” they say. Your voice echoing threw their mouths.

No matter what I do ,I can not block it out.

I put my head down whispering a half chant half prayer.

“You said you’d always be here..where are you now?..”

I’m lost and scared and I don’t know where I’m going.

I feel the pain in my hand,it pulled me back.

I feel the venom penetrating my skin.

You walk away and leave me to stand there alone.

People crowd around me and block my view.

They do not see me ,just walk right on through.

I never asked you once to let go,even through all the pain.

I believed it WAS my fault… Believed it was I who made you this way.

Never did I question your sanity,But now I know it was YOU who gave me the disease.

But I was only 7… You were all I knew, and you meant so much to me.

You think you can handle it? [ Dealing with Bi-Polar Disorder PT.1 ]

But you can’t. Theres no way to comprehend whats happening unless you go through it yourself ,and you’re aware that you have a disease/disorder.

Bi-Polar disorder. Manic Depression.

Its scary,Its real.

What makes it so scary is WHEN your aware of it. You feel helpless because theres nothing you can do to make it stop.

The drugs make you feel like a zombie,so you stop taking them.

When you know you have it,I believe,It makes it worse. When you feel it,and you know its effecting you at that moment, you wish for nothing more but to be ‘NORMAL*’. and it makes you hurt even more.

I don’t know the science of it,and I do not wish to know.

I can only explain my own experience of it…

You can go from being extremely happy to so upset in a matter of minutes,from one little Insignificant action of another person.

But the up-side to knowing you have it,and knowing exactly when its effecting you is when those little moments you feel you can’t take it or handle the hurt anymore and you feel like hurting yourself,you can stop that. Because you KNOW its just the disorder effecting you,and by knowing that, you can overcome it.

I wish I can say the same for the depression part…

( * I use the term NORMAL very loosely,because I know no one is ever truly normal. But its the only word I can think of to explain that feeling. )

[ These are my own feelings and experience with having Bi-Polar disorder.The reason I explain it the way I did is because that’s the way I explained to the few people I had explained it to,and that’s the way I’m comfortable explaining it. My reason for posting this in the first place: For others who might actually feel the same way I do,and they can know they aren’t alone in the way they feel. I also Hope this post does not offend anyone,that is NOT my intention ]